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(04.26.08)
Back on speakerphone, I told them that an ex-boyfriend of mine made a habit of naming pets for cars, so I wouldn't agree to it. When my parents wondered why I got to have any say in the matter at all, I self-righteously reminded them how Dad cheated me out of naming Vanessa before she was born.
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(04.20.08)
It turns out that Dad wasn't so interested in the biting Mr. Boots. It also turns out that his name was Mr. Mittens, prompting me to call him "Mr. Bittens" forever more. It further and finally turns out that while he bit my dad, he didn't bite Nessa when she got him out of his cage. "I don't think Dad knows how to get the cats out," she whispered to me.
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(04.13.08)
"I want to go back to the shelter today and see Gekko," Dad said. "Her name is 'Gatto,' not GEKKO!" Mom reminded him loudly and probably not for the first time. "Her name is going to be 'Crabby,' apparently," I added. "We're getting a cat we BOTH like," Mom informed us. "Gekko's cage didn't have a comment card at all," Dad mused, "I wonder if that's a bad thing."
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(03.27.08)
As a final irony, when writers/executive producers of a show I recap finally write me with glowing praise, it would have to be a doomed show. Of course.
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(03.17.08)
The thing is, it's highly likely that I will never be 100% pure green because there are simply some things I draw the line at as being too, sort of, icky. Like the bathroom behavior rhyme, "If it's yellow let it mellow," etc. and resisting showers and using only natural deodorant and pretty much everything that guy is doing in Manhattan without toilet paper. And I definitely draw the line at eating things that have grown out of my own pee and bathing in mulch.
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(02.25.08)
I normally don't engage in these sort of "memes," because I tend to find them cheesy and of no interest to my readers. Plus, there are some things I write that, when I read them later, make me harf like Chet in Weird Science after he tells his brother he loves him. (I have the same reaction when I read my poetry-phase journals from junior high.)
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(02.20.08)
In the war of the music videos, Obama is Death Cab for Cutie, and Hillary is John Tesh.
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(02.18.08)
... but the Regency was more about figure-revealing Empire waistlines -- some forward females of the time even used water to "dampen down" their gowns for their version of a wet tee-shirt contest -- and less about virginal Victorian crinolines and prodigious petticoats.
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(02.05.08)
This is the most important election of our lifetime, and I've been ready for change for 8 long years. Are you ready?
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(01.27.08)
And what's up with that impersonal, silky red background? Is this PBS classic drama or is it a "My Moment, My Dove" commercial?
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(1.09.08)
I don't make 'em.
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(11.08.07)
This morning -- because of some sort of communications malfunction between the container ship spokespeople and the U.S. Coast Guard -- the spill has been upped to a whopping 58,000 gallons.
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(09.14.07)
I showed the device it to my husband who said, "Don't you dare stick that in your computer! It's like sticking your tongue in a socket -- you don't know where it's been!"
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(08.26.07)
However, then the realist in me took over: Top Chef knew exactly what they were doing. They were using "food blogger" as a dirty word. The bane of chefs everywhere. More to the point, Top Chef, in their reality show way, decided that for these two episodes Andrea Strong has been cast as The Villain.
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(08.07.07)
Finally, the emergency squad screamed up and a park ranger met them saying, "We got a foot injury." Now, is that "foot injury" as in "I stepped wrong and my ankle collapsed" or as in "my foot got stuck in the jaws of a Great White and now it is injured"?
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(07.25.07)
The good thing about that MRI appears to be, however, that it's not a brain tumor! WOOHOO! Celebration of non-tumorosity! I mean, I assume that's not the case since my ENT didn't call me within 24 hours of my MRI to be all George Brent to my Bette Davis about it. After that, the next step was the Balance and Mobility Clinic where, I had been reliably informed, I would vomit copiously.
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(07.20.07)
I DIDN'T REQUEST A REDELIVERY! [foam, pant, twitch, scream]
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(06.08.07)
Acting on information we received from our CBS source, "Shallow Eustachian Tube," I was able to transcribe what went down in the heated meetings between the execs at CBS, and if you read between the lines, you can see just what dragged Jericho, Skeet, and the Awesome Hawkins back from the brink of television death.
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(05.17.07)
I'm asking all of you who read The Grub Report, like The Grub Report, and even crave The Grub Report to get out and eat the vote! Or just vote, you really don't have to eat it. Because it might be gross. And also sounds sort of rude.
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(04.16.07)
Why does this happen? How THE FUCK does this happen? College is supposed to be the best years of your lives. Not the deadliest. Not the last.
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(02.18.07)
Look, Jericho is not smart, it's not challenging, and it doesn't make me think overly deep thoughts about life, death, and philosophy. It makes me giggle and it makes me cheer for surprisingly shallow reasons. It also doesn't feel like homework, which -- hold on to your toasters -- BSG has started to feel of late. I need these dumb, peaceful shows to quiet my mind.
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(01.14.07)
My life is not my own. As a freelancer every day, every hour, and nearly every thought is slotted to one of my clients. It's a hellacious fallacy that freelancing is all about choosing your own hours and owning your time.
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(11.20.06)
So, many cocktails and cocktail onions later, my project? She is done. Introducing the newest SmartsCo product, which just happens to be written by moi, I give you CocktailSmarts!
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(11.18.06)
Today is my birthday and today my beloved Michigan Wolverines are about to play the game of the year, possibly the game of the decade.
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(10.16.06)
Except, back then it was a 1973 Mercury Comet, and I drove with the windows down because AC hadn't been a choice in the Vomit Comet for about ten years.
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(08.24.06)
I swear the only thing keeping me sane is runs at Ocean Beach, Tim Gunn's podcast, and reruns of Reba. That's right, people, I said Reba! The stress has made me sink so, so low.
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(06.24.06)
For a long time I ran without looking up. I was mesmerized by my own footfalls and how they struck the damp, packed sand, radiating a lighter, drier patch in every direction, and how the June-icy Pacific hits the sun-warmed beach, banding mist around my ankles.
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(05.30.06)
Prince is a god.
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(03.22.06)
The words were the same words printed in the hymnal, but that's where the similarities between Croft's version of "Our God Our Help in Ages Past" and my father's ended.
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(03.16.06)
Rachel Ray would talk, cook, and drink so fast, her attending celebrities wouldn't know how to help or where to stand. They'd be even more mystified as to what the hell "E-V-O-O" and "spoonulas" were. On the other hand, her team would always beat the clock due to Rachel carrying back-spraining armloads of ingredients from place to place.
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(02.22.06)
If I told you that we kissed the hood of our new car in the privacy of our garage, would you judge me?
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(02.10.06)
Blogging a boring commute and too many people making an explosive cocktail of warm Diet Pepsi and Mentos. Kids do the darndest things!
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(06.09.05)
I'm back from Minnesota and I'm full. Wow. I don't think I stopped eating the whole time I was there. No Smokebeer sightings, but maybe next time.
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(12.31.04)
Two days, 180 miles down a mountain pass at five miles an hour with a visibility of 100 yards, two sets of snow chains, two massive Sierra blizzards with avalanche conditions, seven hours on the road, and six cups of mulled wine in our dry and snowless SF apartment later
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(12.30.04)
Last year, dear eaters, you might remember that I was unquestionably and irrationally saddened by the lack of snow in the Bay Area and that my husband made a promise to take me up to Tahoe in search of snow
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(09.22.04)
Ever since my last day at the cheeseshop when I came over all faint, got nauseous, took the bus home and threw up, I've had persistent vertigo. Thankfully it's not as bad as the initial attack, because
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(09.14.04)
Dr. Mathra said to me, "You're really going to see a cross-section of the SF public." I don't know what he's talking about, I take the MUNI every day. Jury duty's not at all like waiting in a queue at
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(CREDIT)
Lime Kiln Point Light. It's a great place to watch various whale pods come in from sea. Sadly, we didn't see any that day. Come quick, there's a deer eating fruit from the orchard! Oh, come on -- just
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(06.23.04)
Nine years ago I went to study in England. My family came with me. I kept a journal. "Stephie? I wanted to call and remind you to bring all the Cambridge info I sent last week. We have copies here
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(06.21.04)
Here are some shots of the two balls of fuzz that wake us up at six in the morning, drape their purring bodies over us, and generally rule our world.
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(04.16.04)
I'm gonna be on TV! I'm gonna be on TV! I'm gonna be on TV! I'm doing a little dance over here. Okay, so TechTV is doing a behind-the-scenes look at Television Without Pity and they want to interview
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(02.10.04)
When you meet for the first time, you go through your closet, pulling out all sorts of outfits. Do you go for hip and professional or smart and classic? You stand on one leg and judge the effects with
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(02.03.04)
Sit on your mat in a simple cross-legged position. Remove the partially-masticated cat treat you sat on. Breathe. Twist comfortably to the left. Breathe. Walk your hands a comfortable distance in front
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(01.08.04)
Several months ago when I was showing our Boston apartment, this prospective renter asked me if I ever considered doing stand-up. Not thinking I'd been cracking one-liners every five minutes as I show
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(01.01.04)
(tug) (tug) Hey... (tug) Hey! (TUG!) Did you know it doesn't snow in San Francisco? Apparently I didn't, because nothing else can explain my disappointment in this year's holiday season thus far.
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(12.10.03)
'Tis the season for TWoP Con Recaps, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-SNARK! Mathra and I came late to the Las Vegas gathering this year -- writing an exam and generally small purse strings due to such an
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(09.25.03)
11:30 AM This has been a week of highs and lows. I can't talk about the highs yet because I don't want to jinx it, but the lows all center around me sitting outside my apartment door, listening to the
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(09.15.03)
Recently, it came to my attention that a person, who shall remain nameless but with whom I am acquainted, slagged off on English majors. This person said that "Everyone's an English major," and "Being
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(09.02.03)
I naïvely thought that coming out to California meant each entry on The Grub Report would be bursting with heirloom tomatoes, local cheeses, artisan breads, vats of wine, and blue potatoes, but no. No
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(08.30.03)
3100 miles. Five days. Fifty-three driving hours. Twelve states. Two cats. That's gotta be some kind of record -- we even left really late on our first day. It's all due to Dr. Mathra's superb driving
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(03.31.03)
Going home is good for the soul. I'd hazard that it's even better than a visit to a spa for all their hot and smelly rocks. I've come back to Boston refreshed, happy, and calmly nostalgic. The zennish
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(02.03.03)
Mathra woke me up with the news. It seems so trite to say I couldn't believe it. But I couldn't -- not again. Not now. Not ever. But our friends had a baby that morning. Little Jackson woke to life as
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(01.29.03)
I avoided it all last semester. Around me, students succumbed like snarfing trees felled by a phlegmy form of Dutch Elm disease. I wore a surgical mask, held my breath on the T, and carried on. Until
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(12.08.02)
I don't think Las Vegas and I will ever be true friends. We might respect one another. We may even occasionally nod to each other in passing. But we can never have a deep and lasting FF or SWAK- kind
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(10.21.02)
Witches, screaming skulls, stuffed corpses on the front lawn, you name it -- no one does Halloween better than my mother. "It's my favorite religious holiday," she says every year. "Don't tell your father
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(10.09.02)
I have the best posters on TWoP Enterprise. I really do. Today, I came home from class and found they had been composing poetry about me in my "Fleet Commendation for Recapping Goes to Keckler" thread
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(10.01.02)
Cats and bathrooms. Someone please explain the connection to me. And use scientific terms, because that's the only way I'll believe there is a valid explanation other than the fact that one of my cats
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(10.01.02)
First it was a green woody station wagon. Next it was a silver station wagon. Then it was a woody Grand Caravan mini-van, and another one after that. Now it's an RV. Thankfully, I've never gone cross-country
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(09.25.02)
In the Still of the Night, You can hear the zanzibub trees whisper Calling to you in their hushamung way, greatly grimping with the wind.
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(09.25.02)
In the summer of nine-zero There would have been great need of a hero, To save a small craft (Whose skipper was thought daft) To sail it in the wrath Of Superior. On the eve of this night His daughter
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(09.25.02)
your scent lingered on me and mixed with my own I no longer smell the same since I met you mine is not mine and I am no longer solely me
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(09.25.02)
A vast canvas Her awesome mind can smear hectic colors, streaks of mist heaving billows no shutter can capture nor hand imitate Her reveries my pen stutters for trying
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(09.25.02)
We've passed into Mountain Time the sun has saturated the crimson depths and we've passed into Mountain Time the moon rises, taking bloodless steps and we've passed into Mountain Time is there a real
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(09.25.02)
I walk through the haunted garden of long ago, Passing each dry, leaf covered bed where loving hands
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