Home About Archive Events Press
The Nause-AA: Round of 64, Flight Upchuck
August 16, 2012


Since I came to no real consensus in Suffering Succotash about the most hated food -- though an awful lot of people talked about tomatoes -- we're going to make this determination ourselves with our highly scientific polling system.

Head on over to Tomato Nation to register your displeasure: remember vote with your gag reflex, vote for the most disgusting choice, vote to vomit!

Today's write-ups for The Nause-AA brought to you by Sarah D. Bunting.

1 blue cheese vs. 16 chocolate I should just say right up top that I hate, like, four things in this entire draw. The foods I hate, I really really hate, but it's a pretty short list -- and no way is blue cheese on it. The more a cheese reeks of cat pee and ancient Trappist mold, the more I want to spread it on a piece of crusty bread and follow it with a sip of Sauvignon. In fact, I will probably vote for chocolate in this round, because I love cheese so deeply and just don't really care much about chocolate. I don't hate it; I just don't care. Still, blue cheese coasts into the next round.

8 yogurt vs. 9 creamed vegetables Yogurt has many more health benefits, and leads to far more hilarity when trying to consume it in the presence of certain orange cats, who will climb your leg regardless of whether you're wearing pants, purring wildly, determined to divest you of your lemon chiffon. The average creamed vegetable, meanwhile, is disgusting, fattening, and redundant -- but my fantasy-football team isn't named Institutional Starch for nothing, and the same steaming blob of creamed spinach that will send most of you running for the nearest barf bag is one of my favorite foods of all time. And yogurt is sometimes really sour, and also I fuckin' hate those Activia ads, so I think yogurt triumphs here.

5 finned seafood vs. 12 tarragon Tough call. I'd vote tarragon, because I like it less than I like a perfect slab of bluefish broiled in a foil jacket with infused mayo…but that description just had a few of you bralfing into your hands, so there you go. That said, I didn't know how passionately tarragon haters ("tarragontagonists"?) felt about the seasoning until I mentioned that I was growing some and my sister-in-law YELLED out, "…EW, TARRAGON!" I…what? Really? So it's deeply felt, but it's also probably niche. Seafood, no problem.

4 clams vs. 13 puddings: rice, tapioca, etc. Heh, "clams." …Okay, seriously: I love puddings. The gloppy presentation and smooooooth texture will classify it as untenably revolting to many; I love it (as long as the diner doesn't dick it up with raisins on the top). I think the childhood associations (and sweet teeth) for some will outweigh the texture issues and the presence of pudding skin for others. And I also feel like, if I took all the food-poisoning stories I'd ever heard, clams would take the blame most often. Clams FTW.

6 crab vs. 11 Parmesan Heh, "crabs"! …Sorry. I like crab fine. A spicy crab cake with a little paprika-sauce happening and some sweet corn: good stuff. I like Parmesan fine too, but fresh Parm only; the stuff in the green can is a sickening clumped-up mess that smells like someone got carsick in a gym locker. Why didn't we rank that bullshit higher? I'm-a go nuts and predict an upset for Parmesan.

3 raw oysters vs. 14 oatmeal/grits/hot cereal That scene in whichever Ramona book where Ramona stares at the blue oatmeal in her classroom and then sprolfs all over her desk put me off oatmeal for 15 years, and I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one. Not to mention that oatmeal is one of many, MANY dishes that people insist on air-mailing into the shitter by putting RAISINS on it. Occupy Oatmeal Cookies! But the raw oyster is a seafood (strike one) and slimy (strikes two through seventeen). I love a platter of Wellfleets and I drink every drop of the brine, but Dirk can't even watch me eat them, so it's definitely a thing. Oysters, easily.

7 goat cheese vs. 10 egg whites Goat cheese should win this going away. I like it, but I get the hate; it's sour and it sticks to everything and it's pretty hew-y, objectively speaking. But I absolutely DEEEE-SPISE cooked egg whites, with that weird under-density and the SWEAT ON THEM, blearrrrf. That's why they call them "deviled eggs," people; that's the devilment in question.

2 mayo-based salads vs. 15 milk I have loathed milk since childhood. I love all other dairy products, but milk…I just can't. I had to drink a glass every night with dinner as a kid, and the number of times I sat there, alone, with the glass getting slowly warmer, the skin of fat congealing in my nightmares…I just hate that fatty sour top note. But a lot of people love milk, or just hate macaroni salad more, and macaroni salad is weird and I don't like it either. But I love my mom's potato salad (celery tops and red onion: tell a friend!), and it's not milk, so that's my vote. Not your-all's, though, I'm guessing. Sick-nic favorites for the win.

Want to laugh and learn?

Buy my book from any of
these fine online retailers.

Hungry? Get a menu pushed
under your door when I update:
Powered by MessageBot
Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Copyright © 2002-2012
Stephanie Vander Weide Lucianovic