Zen and the Art of Furball Maintenance
February 3rd, 2004

Sit on your mat in a simple cross-legged position.

Remove the partially-masticated cat treat you sat on.


Twist comfortably to the left.


Walk your hands a comfortable distance in front of you. Relax the neck.

Feel the cat chew your hair.


Walk your hands back and tuck the wet strands of hair behind your ears.

Quiet your mind and ignore the cat thinking your walking hands are part of a new and painful game.


Inhale, lift the chest, put your hands to knees, feel the Earth beneath your tailbone.

Feel the cat rubbing her face insistently on your hands to knees.


Turn to Plank Position.

Focus on pulling back your navel in order to avoid the cat weaving back and forth under you.


Relax the neck. Feel your face fall into a fuzzy underbelly and kicking back legs.


Stretch back your left leg and your right arm, reaching to both sides of the room and remove the tail from your nose.

Breathe. Have an asthma attack.

Come to Mountain Pose.

Inhale back into your earlobes and step your feet a wide-distance apart.

Spread from four corners of feet to Earth.

Lose all sense of calm when stepping feet wide to Earth lands one squarely on cat.


Move into Extended Side Angle and breathe into the backbone while staunching the blood pouring out of your foot to Earth.

Step feet together and extend arms overhead.


Reach down to Standing Forward Bend and dislodge the purring cat squirming all over your feet to Earth.


Stretch into Downward Dog and break a sweat sneezing through the mounds of orange fur covering the mat.

Breathe. Choke.

Breathe. Hack.

Breathe. Bring up a hairball.

Standing forward wide-leg bend aaaand I'm looking at a butthole.


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