Seduced By Cows?
March 24, 2006

When did cows become the new sexy? Or, maybe the question should be, "When did cows become the food sexy?" I'm seriously asking, because certain anthropomorphized cows are really starting to freak me out. It's like how I feel about the babies that are given a CGI mouth just so they can talk with tough-guy, cigar-champing voices about tires or pancakes or whatever. It's really creepy.

First, there are those Silk Soy Milk commercials where various furry (fur? on cows?) members of a bovine family discover the joys and health benefits of soy milk. The first commercial -- where the kids (calves?) are getting the dad to drink soy milk -- isn't so bad, honestly, but then there's the one where the twenty-something cow is tussling with her roommate over who drank the last of the Silk, and she's wearing tight jeans and it's weird. Like, why is a cow wearing tight jeans? And what does it mean for a cow to wear low-riders? It doesn't help that she's got this lispy, lazy, overly-drawly voice that grates.

Then there are the products from Skinny Cow. I believe these low-fat, low-cal frozen treats used to be called Silhouette, but they changed their name in favor of Skinny Cow, their mascot. Skinny Cow wears lipstick. Skinny Cow has a weight loss group. Skinny Cow writes you letters and signs them "Hugs and Kisses, Skinny." Skinny Cow also poses like a Sports Illustrated supermodel lounging on a beach, or a 50s-era pinup with seductively crossed ankles. Ew. Why is a cow coming on to me?

Oh, and while she's lying there all "come hither and milk me" where are her freakin' udders? What, would that ruin the sexy? To show the cow with her parts anatomically intact? Maybe it would put people off their low-cal feed if the mud-flap cow had big, pink, doohickies flapping about. Full of the milk that goes into making frozen dairy treats.

Somehow, the happy cows who come from California don't squick me out quite as much. Maybe it's because they look like normal cows, and when they talk they just look like they're chewing cud, which is what cows tend to do 24-7, so...yeah. Not as weird. No, these other cows -- the skinny and the soy -- are more like bizarre Dionysian satyrs who look like they should be playing pipes and gadding about, raping Sabine women or something.

Note to the brand managers: I want my cows fat, well-fed, and in a pasture. Not wearing jeans and NOT trying to seduce me from a box of ice cream sandwiches.

Hungry? Get a menu pushed
under your door when I update:
Powered by
Copyright © 2002-2006 Stephanie Vander Weide