The Grub Report

The Grub Reporthttp://www.grubreport.comSpecials from The Grub Reporten-us We Trusted You, Toyota http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/toyota.html Yes, this is an entirely emotional response to the recent news. Funny thing, I tend to get that way when I worry about DYING. Thank You, Rose Gray and The River Cafe http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/rivercafe.html ...but none of them will ever measure up to that honeymoon lunch at The River Cafe. That lunch caught me at a time when I was just waking up to how good food could be. It will always headline my "Best Meals of My Life" list. Ron FREAKING Swanson's Deviled Eggs http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ronswanson.html I didn't start paying rapt attention to Ron Swanson's gastronomic leanings until he made a bizarre deviled egg request in "Leslie's House." After that, I simply had to go back and catalog the best Ron Swanson food moments. (Oh, and develop a deviled egg recipe dedicated to and inspired by Ron FREAKING Swanson's love for breakfast foods and deviled eggs. YOU'RE WELCOME.) Getting Baked http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/baking.html Bake sales secretly scare me, quite frankly. Sitcoms are always showing put-upon moms being told at 9PM at night that little Hubert signed her up to bake 12 dozen cupcakes -- frosted in the school colors, of course -- for the next morning's bake sale. The Poetry of Dad http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/dadspoem.html This September 11, my parents will have been married 45 years, and my dad is still writing poems to my mom. (Sure, they're poems about RVs but still! Poems!) My First Recipe http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/firstrecipe.html I hated it all the more because my parents and my older sister were never put through its monkey tail paces. Oh no, D'Nealian was some new-fangled hippie handwriting philosophy saved only for me. I even hated the NAME "D'Nealian," because it kinda sounded foreign and exotic but it wasn't. It was just some totally made-up name constructed from the inventor's first name, "Donald," and his middle name, "Neal." More Grateful Still http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/grateful.html My parents always said stuff like, "the family" and "that everyone's healthy." We'd roll our eyes at "family" because it just seemed so dorky and over emotional. It also seemed to go without saying. Like, of COURSE we were grateful for family, so why bother mentioning it? Minestrone and Memories http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/minestrone.html I don't remember the year, but I remember the month. It was Valentine's Day and a bunch of us were protesting not being asked to a Valentine's Dance by certain boys by having a huge girls gathering. We were all at Suzanne's house where her parents humored us by giving us the dining room and letting us eat off the fancy china. These Aren't My Mother's Cookie Cutters http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/cookies2.html I considered dinner but couldn't see anything in my mess of a fridge, not even daylight. I read the recipe again. I cleaned out my fridge, after which I completely lost my appetite for any dinner. Finally, I went to the store. I got eggs, butter, and after checking the pantry, sugar. Analysis of a Mix Tape http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/mixtapes.html All the tracks are transcribed in a different pastel color from a rotating click pen I had. We've got lavender, electric blue, fuchsia, and neon green going on in true high school girl fashion. The mix begins with Chicago's "You're the Inspiration," and ends with "Wonderful Tonight." 'Burb Burps: Howie's Artisan Pizza http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/howies.html A pizza place that doesn't understand the importance of a sublime red sauce is as pointless as one that doesn't understand the vital importance of a good crust. Howie's understands both these points. Nora Ephron and Mashed Potatoes http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/noraephron.html So, I'm reading Nora Ephron's 1983 novel Heartburn -- I think I'm the last person in America to realize that Ephron was a foodie long before Julie & Julia -- and the book is filled with love and longing and heartbreak and food. Lots of food. Songs and Miscellany http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/stuff.html Being a parent has suddenly turned me into the lamest songwriter ever. Don't believe me? Read on. Thanks http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/thanks.html Now that I've had just over three and a half months to calm down, slow down, get some sleep, get my head on straight,* and even get a little work done, it's time for overdue thanks. Vanessa http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/nessa.html Vanessa is really quite normal. I mean, there are times when she says things to me like, "But she was humming and hawing over it, so I just let it drop," and "And you know, once he did that, it was, like, just rubbing salt in the womb, you know?" which make me wonder if we really should have put a helmet on her when the whole rocking thing started, but, as of today, she's made it to 28 years relatively intact. Mildred Pierce: Remake Heaven or Hell? http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/mildredpierce.html Seriously? Is there anyone who likes a remake? Look, I'll admit that ever since I was a child with braids and an anxious expression, I have been extremely resistant to change, but I could count on one hand the remakes that I've actually liked: The Office, Battlestar Galactica, and...I'm out. Foodie Movie: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/meatballs.html Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs -- a movie based on the children's book of the same name by Judi and Ron Barrett -- might very well be the next Ratatouille for mini foodies and their parents. Toot Toot Tootsie, Hello! http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/tootsies.html Thank god for crappy hospital food. EPICurean FAIL: The Great American Food and Music Festival, Part II http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/gaff2.html Speaking of that Zingerman's line, when I got back with our S'Mores, Rachel had moved two inches. I explained that the Charles Chocolates people had a computer meltdown and could take only cash. I suggested I finish my S'More, which was AWESOME, and then go suss out where to get the money back from my wristband. See, at this point, we were pretty certain we'd simply get our our BLTs and quit the joint. Oh, what naïveté. EPICurean FAIL: The Great American Food and Music Festival http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/gaff.html The more things went wrong, the more we giggled. Other Fat Chicks Like Me http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/pregnancybuddies.html Aside the fact that you're walking around as a two people for 9-10 months and that you probably have family and a partner involved, pregnancy can still get lonely. Things We Learn in Birth Class IV http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/birthclass4.html I wish I could believe that something like hypnobirthing would really work for me -- I'm not totally sure what hypnobirthing is, but I think it has something to do with clucking like a chicken through your labor pain -- but I'm too much of a cynic. And Baby Makes Five http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/babyandcats.html You know what I really want people to stop doing? Stop telling me I'm going to care less about my cats after the baby is here. No, no. Just stop it. Take your hand off the computer, discard the "instructional" or "helpful" email you're about to send. Close your mouth. Things We Learn in Birth Class III http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/birthclass3.html B. You get a intimate look at other people's relationships, and it's not always pretty. Pregnant Pause: The Chronicles of Nausea http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/nausea.html By nature, I'm a fairly nauseous person. That is, I'm easily nauseated -- cars, cabs, planes, naval gazing, American Idol -- will all do it do me. I've been this way for awhile and so learned early on in life that Dramamine was my friend, my confident, my constant companion. Pregnant Pause: Gin and Tonic http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ppgnt.html I decided to start my mocktail quest off with that simplest of drinks, the gin and tonic. With multiple nuances brought on by using different gins, it's probably my favorite cocktail -- biting, tart, and tinged with bitterness, it reminds me of myself on my best days. Pregnant Pause: Digesting Junk Food and Unwanted Opinions http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/junkfoodpreg.html These same articles also tell me that I don't want chocolate because the baby is telling me to eat healthy food. So, then I gotta ask: what is said baby is trying to tell me when I crave McDonald's cheeseburgers, Safeway doughnuts, and root beer? Pregnancy in a Time of Swine Flu http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/swineflu.html A note on our Safeway brand of anti-bacterial gel: it smells exactly like my homemade limoncello, which is sending me very mixed signals. Pregnant Pause: Last Ditch Dines http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/lastditch.html Realistically, I don't know how many we'll get to but it's always good to have goals, especially ones as tasty as these, so here you go, 12 Bay Area restaurants we want to hit before our late-June due date. Things We Learn in Birth Class II http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/birthclass2.html We are too immature for birth class. Pregnant Pause: Pink Grapefruit Perrier http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/grapefruitperrier.html Crushing on grapefruit Perrier in the worst way. It's the the ideal antidote to hauling 20 extra pounds around in 102° heat. Recipe: Lentil Salad http://www.grubreport.com/kissthecook/lentilsalad.html While I do like cooking up dried lentils for soups and other things, this salad hinges on the pre-steamed lentils from Trader Joe's, so if you can't get behind that, you will never understand the genius of this salad. Reader, I Took a Bath http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/bath.html The day it hit 102° on the Peninsula in April was the day I did something I haven't been able to do in 6 months of pregnancy: I took a bath. Things We Learn in Infant Safety Class http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/safetyclass.html We're both pretty sure our parents had none of the child-proofing devices that were being passed around the classroom. Organ Grinder http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/placenta.html Since this is mainly a food blog that will occasionally morph into a pregnancy blog these days, you might all be waiting breathlessly for my placenta plans. Things We Learn in Birth Class http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/birthclass.html Dr. Mathra's face will be the new miracle drug. Apparently. Shake, Rattle, and Roll http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/movements.html Sometimes I'm not even just feeling it from the inside, either. If my hand happens to be on my belly at the time, I'll actually feel a brief push out, and that really freaks me out. Because the movements are coming from inside the house! What Kind of Berry Reads Books? http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/library.html When I buy a book, I feel compelled to finish it no matter how sick I am of the writer whining for page after page that her mother is to blame for her weight, her sexual predilections, and why she can't wash the dishes. 7 Days of Mariquita Madness http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/mariquitadinners.html In a rash experiment, I picked up my Mariquita Mystery Box last Thursday, knowing full well that I was going out of a town exactly one week later. Walking Pregnant http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/walkingpregnant.html It's pretty much a waddle, and I've been noticing that I'm doing it more and more these days. I'm not trying to do it, so when I first noticed I was doing it, I wondered if it was like the hand-on-belly thing -- sort of an unintentional signal to the world that I was pregnant. This Freelancing Life: Vampires and Sucking the Marrow Out of Life http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/vampires.html 2. "If the vampire's left sock is in one's possession, the sock can be filled with rocks and earth from the vampire's grave and tossed into running water. The vampire will wander off in search of its sock and accidentally drown itself." Pedican't http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/pedicures.html It's not that I'm not girly. I am. I curl my hair, I wear makeup -- even on my eyes -- I slather all manner of creams and masques on my face, and I have been known to get the occasional facial. Pregnant Pause: Stop Yer Wine-ing! http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/winenot.html If you drank a glass of actual wine, then swirled water around in the same glass to catch all the dregs, and then drank that water, you'd have a very good idea of what Ariel CaberNOT Fauxvignon tastes like. Pregnant Pause: Faking It http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/fakingit.html "...but I think you'd much rather read stuff like this instead of cooings about the purple unicorniness of pregnancy and how gestating is like sitting on a cloud of cotton candy." The Coffin Crib http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/coffincrib.html Another crib from the "Nightlight Gallery." Crib of DOOM! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/doomcrib.html I'm not sure what this says about me or my psychological issues, but this crib absolutely terrifies me. Like, to a nightmarish degree. More Mariquita Farms Mystery Box Magnificence http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/mariquita.html You go to a local restaurant for that week's drop-off, you pay $25, and you bring home a huge box overflowing with a variety of farm-fresh produce. Simple as that. Wee Announcement http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/pregnant.html Then I had to consider how I wrote "I'm pregnant" to friends. For some, it was "I'm pregnant!" and for others it was "I'm pregnant." I don't know why I felt like using the exclamation point for certain people and not others. Maybe because an exclamation point can feel like an command. Something that says, "I'm excited and I ORDER you to be excited for me!" Venissimo Gives Meaning to "Save Your Receipt" http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/cheesereceipt.html (First of all, can we have a little side conversation of how flippin' awesome it is to receive receipts in the mail that might be "of interest"? It's like our food geekery knows no bounds!) Barack Obama and the Half-Smoke http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/halfsmoke.html Wasn't I just talking about how obsessed we all are with every little move Obama makes, including where and what he eats? Check, Please! Barack Obama http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/obamaplease.html Hm, I wonder if Howard Kurtz and other scrappy pundits will haul various food experts on their shows to chew over just what Obama's Check, Please! restaurant means to us as a nation and an American people. If so, it will be Alton Brown's chance to finally become a pundit. Reset Your Body with Lentil Soup http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/lentilsoup.html After the holidays' repeated culinary excesses, my mouth, stomach, and soul are all screeching for something quite simple and healthful. This lentil soup always fits the bill. Snow Bunnies http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/snow3.html Jennie and I would start by playing King of the Hill. We'd struggle on the slippery snow mounds, try knock each other into the snowy street and sidewalk, and then claim sides where we would build our fortresses complete with parapets, balconies, and turrets. The Real Minnesotan http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/snow2.html Sure, driving to school in a car that a. never heated up until we reached the parking lot; and b. fishtailed every time I took a corner was a pain in the ass. But I did it. I could and can do it! I walked to school uphill both ways naked and in bare feet and I lived to brag about it! Christmas Movie Sob-Fest Menu http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/christmasmovie.html How to find the best Bay Area meatloaf and mashed potatoes and Peking duck to pair with A Christmas Story and classic liverwurst sandwiches, Vermont cheddar, and hot buttered rum for White Christmas. Advent-ures in Chocolate http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/advent.html If we live in an era of artisanal cheese, specialized olive oil, rare vinegar, and DIY flour, quality Advent calendar chocolate MUST exist, right? Eh. Sort of. Well played, streaming players. http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/playercommercials.html TURN DOWN THE DAMN COMMERCIALS! I Can't Seem to Forget You... http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/windsong.html 'Tis the season to buy perfume. Giving Thanks for Friends and Carrot Cake http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/carrotcake.html I am really not a carrot cake fan. Not at all. It's quite possible that hold a childish resentment against it for dressing up a vegetable as dessert (I tend to look at zucchini bread with the same jaundiced eye, truth be told), but more than that, I just never had a carrot cake I liked enough to make it myself or voluntarily choose it for dessert. Morning Becomes Suburbia http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/suburbs2.html Waking up in an entirely different place. A Proxy Thanksgiving http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/thanksgiving.html Instead of answering the typical Turkey Day questions in my own kitchen and instead of ingesting pounds of tasty, seasonal, and cockle-warming victuals, I'll be unloading boxes and sneezing through thick reams of dust. Next year, I'll be back cooking in my upgraded kitchen; but this year, my DVD player will do the basting and carving. Moving Day 1: The Suburbs http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/suburbs.html "What have we gotten ourselves into?" You've Got Ale http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/postroad2.html Friends don't let friends live without Post Road Pumpkin Ale. Swing Your Partner to the Left! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/squaredancing.html My parents were shocked (SHOCKED!) when Ms. Eckert -- she was one of those Mizzez who seemed to require the extra stress on the title -- told them at parent-teacher conferences that their daughter -- the one who fell down for no reason, ran into walls, and acquired multiple bruises in odd locations with no memory of how they got there but with suspicions that it was from walking into a coffee table or car fender -- was actually quite agile and coordinated on the dance floor. Lady in Red http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ladyinred.html Over the summer, Catherine -- for whom I once designed a simple birthday cocktail to go along with her gift of St. Germain elderflower liqueur -- asked if I would shake up a special wedding cocktail. Her only request: it had to be red to match her dress. PrObama: Yes, We Can http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/obama2.html Are you ready? Caning in the Real Virginia http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/realvirginia.html ...but the image of this Grampa Jones type striking out with his cane, like the kid is some street urchin hovering around 221 B Baker Street, and Grampa Jones in a carriage that would put Mr. Darcy's to shame is so ripe for late-night talk show jibes that if any of them fail to do something with it, well, then they just fail. Getting Surly in Minnesota http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/surly.html Furious, CynicAle, Bitter Brewer, and Bender. Just add Grumpy, Sleepy, and Dopey and they could be the Seven Drunk Dwarfs of beerland. I Just Made Sweatshirt at Land's End! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/landsend3.html From pin to hat to sweatshirt -- I'm cleaning up on the NPS swag. The Great Potato Hunt http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/potatohunt.html My dad guest-blogs about being a locavore half a century before the word was a glint in the foodscape's eye. The Search for the Great Pumpkin Ale http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/postroad.html For the record, we've also tried: Cambridge Brewing Company's Great Pumpkin, Dogfish Head Punkin, Pumpkinhead Ale, and Smuttynose Pumpkin. None of them hold a candle to Post Road. My Name is Keckler http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/earl.html How waiting for a television season to release belatedly on DVD has turned me into a Netflix hoarder. Getting Dirty at Land's End http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/volunteer.html For 12 weeks now, I've been going out there to weed, plant, clear brush, mend fences (no, really!), and generally roll around in the mist-drifted mud. State of the Consternation http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/politics.html So, yeah, I used to respect McCain. I was close to calling myself a "McCain Democrat." Now he just makes me sick. Crusty Shirt à la Mode http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/crustyshirt.html Thoughts on pie, death, cheese, and how to wear them all at once. Obama-Biden: That's the Reason! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/biden.html Take a gander at this C-SPAN video (it's not boring!) if you want to see why exactly I fell for Joe Biden in 2004. Jacques Pépin: More Fast Food My Way http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/fastfood.html Laura told me that every morning working on this show was nothing less than a private cooking lesson with Jacques Pépin. She could not have been more right. Except, they weren't just cooking lessons, they were lifelong memories. Scenes from the St. Paul Farmers' Market http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/spfm2.html Nestled among architecturally stunning buildings of downtown St. Paul and a few blocks away from the Mississippi, the Saturday farmers' market was decidedly populated with shoppers without being crowded by wheeled suitcases. N.C. Double Scoop: All Hail Mint Choc Chip http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncdschamp.html Mint Chocolate Chip is the 2008 N.C. Double Scoop Champion! Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure: Success! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/komen3.html Thank you everyone who supported us. Not only did you whip us into shape but you helped us raise a flock of money for breast cancer awareness. You also got me to the point where I'm going out on a run today in spite of the blisters garnered from last night's three-hour bowling session! Nosh the Vote! http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/votechocolate.html If you're undecided about which way to go in November, buy a 1/4 pound of each and let your tastebuds decide, because unlike the actual political parties, neither of these will leave a bad taste in your mouth. N.C. Double Scoop: Scooper Bowl http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncdsfinals.html It comes down to this: two classic flavors, battling it out for supreme licks. Vote. Izzy's Ice Cream: A Minnesota Fairy Tale http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/izzys.html A harrowing tale of trying to find Izzy's salted caramel ice cream in the Twin Cities where the 3rd time's the charm. Thank god for Minnesota nice. Komen Race for the Cure: Progress http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/komen2.html ...Four more of our friends will also be walking to support the cause and after it's all over, we're going for a large brunch to celebrate. (Preferably outside so Sam and I don't put everyone off their feed.) N.C. Double Scoop: Frozen Four http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncds4.html Cookie dough vs. mint chocolate chip. I have the same problem with cookie dough ice cream that I have with candy corn: I can't eat just one kernel, or just ten kernels, or just one heaping double handful. I eat it until it's gone, and then I feel... Fringe Notes http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/fringe.html It's sort of Flatliners meets Brannon Braga's D.O.A. Threshold but marries Luke's Empire Strikes Back arm, cheats on it with Miracles, and leaves it for Quantum Leap's selfless mission. N.C. Double Scoop: Icy Eight http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncds8.html We're melting our way to the very end now, and the pressure finally got so great that Dr. Mathra and I had to run out to Andronico's at 10:15 PM to pick up a pint of Sticky Toffee Pudding and another of coffee. Believe it or not, I had managed to hold off all cravings until then. N.C. Double Scoop: Sweet Cream 16 http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncds16.html We're really getting down to the nitty-gritty here with the classic trio of vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate, still pushing their way through. Personally, I'm going to be hitting refresh on the salted caramel/chocolate poll, hoping salted caramel can whip up a frozen miracle. Let's Go Fly a Kite! http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/kite.html It was the picnic I had been looking forward to since I conceived it four weeks after Mark left for the summer. As soon as he got back, we'd go to the beach. Fog or shine, we'd go to the beach. We'd walk a long way down to the bluffs and away from the hoi polloi. We'd picnic on Mark's first taste of Boccalone and a bottle of very special French rosé we bought at Kermit Lynch six months ago. We'd gaze at the water and digest our food. Then we'd fly a kite. That was the carefully laid plan. Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/komen.html Last week I signed up to do something I've never done before: run a 5k. And you know what? I hate running. Like, I really, really, HATE it! However, I'm not running (or walking, if the mind is willing, but the shins are weak) this race for pure pleasure or personal glory. I'm not running it to get a good time or a toned butt. I'm running it to raise awareness and money for breast cancer. N.C. Double Scoop Round of 32 http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncds32.html Aaaaand we're back, baby! Boy, there sure were a lot of heartbreakers in that last round, weren't there? I would not have predicted a loss for AmeriCone Dream, and it ended even closer than I imagined. It's also clear that outside of restaurants, cookbooks, and Bi-Rite Creamery in San Francisco, the country's not yet ready to cuddle fringe flavors -- avocado, ginger, bacon, and olive oil -- to their breasts. (And we even cut out flavors like Parmigiano-Reggiano [totally exists] and balsamic strawberry before getting started.) This Freelancing Life: Comfort Me With Cats http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/cats.html People who say that cats are disinterested and standoffish are idiots. One of my childhood cats, Nutsy, couldn't bear any family member being sad. Soon after someone started crying, they would get a visit from Nusty. He'd trot into the bedroom, kitchen, or bathroom and stare with green eyes out of a black face. "Don't cry," those eyes would say, "There's really no need, because I am here now." Farscape Recap: Out of Their Minds http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/fs2.9.html The one where they all play Invasion of the Body Snatchers and learn more than they ever needed to know about each others' bodily functions. Sadly, Zhaan misses all the fun while dallying with a pair of corrosive Jell-O-vomiting Skeksis. Minnesota Nice: The St. Paul Farmers' Market http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/spfm.html Living in the (comparatively) warm Bay Area has definitely softened my Midwestern hide and it's also babied my palate and kitchen. I'm excited about checking out and cooking the fruits and vegetables I would have despised in my callow youth and remembering, celebrating my sturdy roots. N.C. Double Scoop Round of 64: Flight 4 Write-Ups http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/flight4.html Hey! Bunting called me a "grandma"! Oh, fine. I guess I can be okay with liking the flavors of bacon, olive oil AND Butter Brickle without too much fear of suffering insta-osteoperosis. Criminy, with all this ice cream, my bones will be stronger than the Bionic Woman's. N.C. Double Scoop Round of 63: Flight 3 Write-Ups http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/flight3.html Hey, Stephen Colbert, where's your sense of national pride? Your duty to cone and country? Because Oregon Black Raspberry is thisclose to whipping AmeriCone Dream into a pile of melted ass cream! (I really didn't mean to make a diaper rash analogy. Sorry.) N.C. Double Scoop Round of 64: Flight 2 Write-Ups http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/flight2.html

1 Cookies and cream vs. 16 spumoni. Okay, I admit it. I didn't know what spumoni was until Bunting put it out there for the commenters. And then I threw up in my mouth a little. Candied fruit doesn't belong in ice cream, it doesn't belong in fruitcake (which just doesn't belong period), and when it comes right down to it, I don't know where it belongs except NOT in MY mouth! Cookies and cream easily. N.C. Double Scoop Round of 64: Flight 1 Write-Ups http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/flight1.html Ladies and gentlemen, start your tongues! (What, that's not gross, you use your tongues to lick the ice cream all around for about an hour until it's compact and safe enough to tackle from above without fear of giving the sidewalk a sample.) The N.C. Double Scoop http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncscoop.html Hello, hello, hello, my vote-happy friends! Well, Bunting and I are back to bring you yet another dairy-based bracket that is sure to have you arguing and whining just as much as the last one did. This Freelancing Life: Calliope's Bitch http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/writing.html Every time I sit down to an assignment, I'm completely convinced that this is the time when all words fail. This is the time when I realize that I'm a complete fraud who has somehow gotten by for nine years pretending to be a writer. I'm convinced that I will never write funny again. It spirals. And I really don't have proper appreciation for spirals because I have veritgo and they make me nauseous. Ginlati: A Land's End Cocktail http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ginlati.html It appears I can't escape food talk even when yanking out pernicious wild radish and avoiding tramping on (and killing) native plants at Land's End. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, because if we hadn't started talking about food, I wouldn't be able to present you with a new summer cocktail. This Freelancing Life: Japanese Graphic Novels (aka Manga) http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/manga.html Gigs you never thought existed: rewriting Japanese culinary graphic novels and coming up with your own sound effects for slicing open a fish belly. (It's "slisssh," by the way.) No Tumor Jokes Here http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/novak.html Bob Novak's Grey's Anatomy and hating on July. Love and Marriage, Cheese and Farscape http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/stuff.html Recapping, marital mimics, and rediscovering a stinky old favorite. Spinster Camp West http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/spinster.html 12:30-5:00 AM: Get up repeatedly to check that door is triple locked. Consider the ramifications of leaving all kitchen knives on counter since one would have to pass by front door before reaching any defensive objects. Consider putting chef's knife in bedside table drawer but worry about temporary amnesia and subsequent self-slicing when rummaging around for Breathe-Right strips. Take My Starbucks, Please! http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/starbucks.html If ANY Starbucks needs to close in SF, it's the one at Fulton and Masonic, and you may well ask why. No, it's not because of the sometimes-surly staff or the lack of outlets for the choke of freelancers wasting time at Fark and AICN. It's not even because of the "save the earth" flyers drifting in every time The 43 trundles by. Nope, it's because of the dumb-ass double-parkers. Psych-otic New Season http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/psych.html The new Psych season premieres tonight and I am singing "Ebony and Ivory" while eating pineapple. (What? It's not racist -- click through and watch the fantabulistic promo. You know you want to.) Objects of Desire http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/inanimate.html It has come to my attention that we in this household, we in this tiny apartment on Alamo Square Park, well, we have a pattern of forming oddly strong attachments to inanimate objects. On the Crab: Deadliest Catch http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/deadliest.html This season has held us in particular thrall, and I'm not just talking about Phil hocking up a pulmonary embolism, either. A few months ago, we were in the practice of blaring CNN on 24-7. (Mostly because Mark kept insisting that each primary was, "The One -- The One that Will Decide It All." Yes, well, we got over that fairly quickly.) However, one night the crawl caught my eye, "Alaskan...fishing...vessel sinks...in...Bering...Sea...off...Dutch...Harbor." Summer Suds Shortlist http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/summerbeer.html Michelob has really gone overboard with their Ultra flavors, because Lime Cactus? Pomegranate Raspberry? TUSCAN ORANGE GRAPEFRUIT? Are these beers or wine coolers? Look, if you didn't want your mass-produced, skanky beer not to taste like mass-produced, skanky beer, here's a tip: stop making mass-produced, skanky beer! Ode to a Jog Bra http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/jogbra.html Look, if you had one called the "Bounce Breaker," you'd sing about it too. Boston Bound http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/bostonward.html Bringing the stretchy pants. On the Bubble with Golden Star Tea http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/goldenstar.html Having firmly established myself to you as a overly particular diner who goes around most nights with a purple mouth, I never thought I would find a non-alcoholic drink that would ever satisfy me. NON-ALCOHOLIC! Can you imagine? The Popsicle Hierarchy http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/popsicle.html Orange was fine and inoffensive, but it was also the red-headed stepchild of the cherry-grape-orange box. It was the flavor left in the bottom of the box when all others had been consumed. It was also the flavor voted "most likely to piss you off if you got it by accident" by the Popsicle senior class. Southwest High School Class of '92 RAWKS! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/highschool.html Without that person with the curled bob and feathered bangs who once wore elbow-length black gloves and pantyhose with the seam up the back to Homecoming, I wouldn't be who I am now. Bethenny Frankel: The Corpse Bride Rises Again http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/bethenny.html Recently, the dressing room of the Wednesday taping of the Bravo A-List Awards beheld a scene straight out of The Women. Just replace Paulette Goddard's pearly whites with Bethenny Frankel's Jungle Red nails. Hello, Couch http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/couch.html Gone are the musing days and working nights with my butt slung inches from the floor while my knees hew dangerously close to my ears. No longer will I stretch and strain my neck forward, stacking four pillows behind my lower back to summon up some semblance of a normal posture. Couch has eased my pain. Paraffin Wax? French Tips? Risotto Milanese? http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/pedegg.html Do you think the PedEgg guy saw the cheese grater and thought, "Cheese? Feet!" Or did the CheeseEgg (not its real name) guy watch the happy old lady dumping her foot shavings in the trash can and think, "Wow, I'll bet that would work really well with cheese." Return of the Magi: The Star Wars Holiday Special http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/starwars.html The Empire giving everyone "a hard time"? Bobba Fett as a "small cartoon"? Bea Arthur as someone named Ackmena? Diahanne Carroll as a hologram called Wow? And Art Carney and Harvey Korman as well? Wait, are we sure this isn't just a Star Wars skit in The Carol Burnett Show? Hot http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/hot.html I'm sitting in the dark of my apartment trying so hard not to move. Even the minor task of typing five fingers across a keyboard, is sending rivulets of sweat coursing down my torso. I'm thisclose to stripping off every last damp article here and now, except that I have to do laundry and I'm afraid that once I take my clothes off I won't be able to get them back on. (I'm also afraid that I'll forget I'm naked and just go about business as usual.) NCheeseAA Final: British Cheddar vs. Mozzarella http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaaround6.html Well, here we have it, folks: the final round of the 2008 NCheeseAA. It's a great day for a game here in the Cheese House, so get out there and choose the cheese of your choice. If you want to review the bracket to see how mozz and Brit Ched got to where they are today, pop on over to the bracket. NCheeseAA: The Final Four-mage http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaaround5.html Blog save our sumptuous Cheese/Long live our veiny Cheese/Blog save the Cheese!/Eat her victorious/Tasty and glorious/Long to slice over us/Blog save the Cheese!/O Ched, our Choice, you bet!/Retrieve thine coronet/And wear it proud/Unwrap thy sharpest wedge/Show all you have the edge/On thee our buds we pledge/And are not cowed! The Naming of Cats http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/chessie.html Back on speakerphone, I told them that an ex-boyfriend of mine made a habit of naming pets for cars, so I wouldn't agree to it. When my parents wondered why I got to have any say in the matter at all, I self-righteously reminded them how Dad cheated me out of naming Vanessa before she was born. NCheeseAA: Elite Grate http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaaround4.html Get out your boxes and your microplanes because after Mt. Tam and Cashel Blue made a stink in the last round, it is now time for the Elite Grate! We are drawing closer and closer to an American Cheesolution between British and Vermont Cheddar. Just don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes. (And no one else will get why that is funny because I am the biggest cheese nerd around.) NCheeseAA Quarterfinals: The Stank Sixteen http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaaround3.html Brie vs. Parmigiano-Reggiano. This is a bizarre match-up. One's a "lolling on the grass with grapes, a bottle of wine, a river, and shamisen" cheese, and the other is an ingredient. It's a vital, delicious ingredient, but when was the last time you planed off a dry wisp of Parm-Reg just because you were snackish? The Vander Weide Menagerie http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/menagerie.html It turns out that Dad wasn't so interested in the biting Mr. Boots. It also turns out that his name was Mr. Mittens, prompting me to call him "Mr. Bittens" forever more. It further and finally turns out that while he bit my dad, he didn't bite Nessa when she got him out of his cage. "I don't think Dad knows how to get the cats out," she whispered to me. Fulminating on Fishberry Jam http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/caviar.html I think caviar requires you to be fancy on the inside and, aside from loving period dramas and escargot, I'm just not that kind of fancy. NCheeseAA Round of 32: Creamed Cheese City, Baby! http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaaround2.html (Seriously, were's Dick Vitale when you need him?) Well, after an intensely sweaty round last week, we've cut the cheese (heh) contenders to 32 and these are some pretty tough match-ups, people. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be able to choose between British Cheddar and Stilton, and the Boursin vs. Port Wine Spread is also set to be real a nail biter. My Family and Other Animals http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/familyanimals.html "I want to go back to the shelter today and see Gekko," Dad said. "Her name is 'Gatto,' not GEKKO!" Mom reminded him loudly and probably not for the first time. "Her name is going to be 'Crabby,' apparently," I added. "We're getting a cat we BOTH like," Mom informed us. "Gekko's cage didn't have a comment card at all," Dad mused, "I wonder if that's a bad thing." Asparagus and Sweet Valley High http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/asparagus.html Because of this, Lila and Mr. Fowler take Elizabeth out to a fancy restaurant to thank her for being nosy and angelic and having a gold lavaliere. Never mind that Lila eventually went back to her rich-bitchy ways. Never mind that the main story is all about "chubby" Robin Wilson losing weight, gaining lip gloss, and making Bruce Patman walk into a door -- all I took away from that book was that Elizabeth had asparagus tips at the fancy restaurant. NCheeseAA: Stanke Cheese Shoppe Round Of 64 http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaastanke1.html Fourme d'Amb is the chocolate of blue cheeses. It melts all over the tongue with a captivating sweetness and beckons blue-haters to the dark side. Caerphilly, meanwhile, is just plain weird: its white and yellow center smells like steamed asparagus, and, back in the day, the Welsh cheese was thought to protect miners' lungs from coal dust. Yet, there's just something about it... Both cheeses attract thrill-seekers, but Caerphilly is more of a freak magnet than the genteel d'Ambert, and might be able to convince enough voters that it's way more than just a sideshow. NCheeseAA: Grocery Round Of 64 http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaagrocery1.html Oh, yes! This is the round so many have been waiting for! We got your Baby Bel, your EZ-Cheez, your curds, and that pink and orange stuff that Hickory Farms swears has something to do with port. It's the Grocery store round and it's going to get ugly! VOTE! NCheeseAA: Deli Round Of 64 http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaadeli1.html Yesterday was all about Whole Foods' groaning (if underwrapped) cheese counters, but today is Belly Up to the Deli day. We've got an intense Provolone/Havarti match-up that is certain to curdle some blood, but only until Fontina and Ricotta muscle their way onto first court and just stand around being boring. Personally, I'm curious whether Mascarpone can school Double Gloucester in the art of "nannie-nannie-buche-buche." NCheeseAA: Whole Foods Round Of 64 http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/NCAAwholefoods1.html 4 Humboldt Fog vs. 12 Roaring 40s Blue. This could be a bloodbath, actually. Those who stick a snowy wedge of HumFog in their crisper drawer for a little amateur affinage until the sticky grey "fog" ages in toward the ash-striped center are also the ones who will go nuts for the spicy edge of the wax-wrapped Tasmanian devil...POLLS ARE OPEN! Are You Ready for Some Cheeseball?!: NCheeseAA http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/ncaa.html These days, there appears to be nothing you can't bracket. So without further ado, we bring you the proud, the mighty, the stinky: the NCheeseAA! We've got it all -- we've got stinky Italian, we've got squeaky curds, we've got spray. Hell, we've even got government cheese! We're sure you all have opinions as well, so here's your chance to get out there and rock the cheese vote. The Fall of Jericho http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/jericho.html As a final irony, when writers/executive producers of a show I recap finally write me with glowing praise, it would have to be a doomed show. Of course. A New Kind of Barfly http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/cocktailbab.html Casual drinkers beware, cocktail nerds have a new way of ordering drinks in San Francisco. No longer satisfied with set menus or even with drink specials du soir, the true cocktailian now knows how to order custom-made drinks, and it's definitely the In thing to do. Naked Lunch http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/naked.html And we're not talking about 9 1/2 Weeks naked, where the food and sex thing is with someone you actually know. We're talking about going up with an empty plate and chopsticks and saying, "Hm, that yellowtail on his upper thigh looks pretty good." How Green is My Conscience http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/green.html The thing is, it's highly likely that I will never be 100% pure green because there are simply some things I draw the line at as being too, sort of, icky. Like the bathroom behavior rhyme, "If it's yellow let it mellow," etc. and resisting showers and using only natural deodorant and pretty much everything that guy is doing in Manhattan without toilet paper. And I definitely draw the line at eating things that have grown out of my own pee and bathing in mulch. Parpardelle, Really Bravo? http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/topchef3.html I may have bowed out of recapping but I'm still watching. Have I not ears, Bravo? Have I not eyes? Have I not still a prodigious amount of judginess to weigh out? But far more to the point, Bravo: HAVE YOU STILL NOT ACQUIRED A FOOD LOVER'S COMPANION AFTER THREE MISSPELLED SEASONS?! Local Cure for the Local Cold http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/sickbed2.html Mitchell's, Ton Kiang, Marshall Farms Honey, Zuni Cafe Cookbook, Absinthe Verte, and Piccino. Bed of Pain and Sweat http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/sickbed.html What's really awesome is coughing so hard I break a sweat. It's like getting a full body workout with special concentration on my abs. Screw Pilates, I'll just hack up a few alveoli and BAM! I'm bikini ready! 25 Things I Never Tire Of http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/25moments.html I normally don't engage in these sort of "memes," because I tend to find them cheesy and of no interest to my readers. Plus, there are some things I write that, when I read them later, make me harf like Chet in Weird Science after he tells his brother he loves him. (I have the same reaction when I read my poetry-phase journals from junior high.) All-Time Top TV Chefs http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/toptvchefs.html ...the most endearing thing about Gordon Ramsay is that when he screams, "You fat useless sack of yankee-dankee doo-doo" or "It's a fucking carrot, you DONUT!" or even "It looks like regurgitated DOG SHIT" you can see the love in his eyes. Mo' BevMo http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/bevmo.html Imagine our horror! Our consternation! Our pearl-clutching! When we were told by BevMo on [redacted] that not only did they have a pathetic offering of Fever-Tree, but they were selling off what they had AND NOT REORDERING! Hillary Clinton: The Tito Endorsement http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/pillory.html In the war of the music videos, Obama is Death Cab for Cutie, and Hillary is John Tesh. Pride and Prejudice: Debating Darcys and Contemplating Clothes http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/austen.html ... but the Regency was more about figure-revealing Empire waistlines -- some forward females of the time even used water to "dampen down" their gowns for their version of a wet tee-shirt contest -- and less about virginal Victorian crinolines and prodigious petticoats. Diet Fever http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/dietfevertree.html Diet tonic water? Been there, expectorated that. Seriously? If you care that much about the calories, why are you drinking alcohol in the first place? Anyway, I sallied forth to taste Fever-Tree light with every intention of despising it, and yet... I Love Kermit Lynch http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/kermitlynch.html I love your wines because if you say they're good, I know they're good. I know I'm going to enjoy them. At any price. Probama: Yes, We Can http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/obama.html This is the most important election of our lifetime, and I've been ready for change for 8 long years. Are you ready? Making V-Day Reservations When You're Crabby http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/reservations.html Happy ending: Serpentine Goddammit, PBS! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/masterpiecetwop.html And what's up with that impersonal, silky red background? Is this PBS classic drama or is it a "My Moment, My Dove" commercial? Presidential Politicking Hits Bay Area Eateries http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/politicsbab.html Matching presidential candidates with San Francisco food. Bottled Sunshine: Limoncello http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/limoncello.html I'm running an adult lemonade stand. But instead of a folding table squared off on a sun-soaked street corner, it's in my freezer. And to the usual ingredients of citrus, sugar, and water, I've added 151-proof Everclear. That's right my friends, I've started making my own limoncello, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. Cooking with Jacques: Bread in a Pot, Part the Second http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/breadinapot2.html For those of you keeping track at home, that makes four different stages of bread prep that needed to be filmed: the unmixed ingredients, the 1-hour rise, the 12-14 hour rise, and the final product. Resolutions http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/newyear.html I don't make 'em. The Worm Turns: Absinthe Verte http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/absinthe.html Quite frankly, if the Jabberwocky had a signature drink, Absinthe Verte would be it. Garden Grazing: Escargots http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/escargotsbab.html That's right, people, I grew up a picky eater in Minnesota where I gagged on string beans, yet I ate snails. Breast Confusion http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/breastconfusion.html Mathra brought the bird home and, after sufficient thaw-time in the fridge, I put the beast in the sink and slit the plastic shroud. I don't know how long it took me to notice that there was something wrong. I think it was when I wanted to start washing out the cavity and couldn't find it. I also couldn't find the legs and wings. I called my mother in a panic. Me: "Where are the legs and wings? I can't find the legs and wings!" Mom: "Who is this?" Return to Alemany Farm http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/alemany2.html Winter in San Francisco also means being splashed with greens -- emerald, bottle, and forest. When other parts of the country are dead or white, this city feels as alive as spring. Alemany Farm, a bit more dry and sere in August, is fresh and juicy in December. How Not to Act in a Cheese Shop http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/cheeseshop.html DON'T bring your kid into the store on a Saturday during the farmer's market when the crowd at the counter is so thick that it starts to eat away at our oxygen just so your kid can practice his lisping questioning skills. "Ask the lady what that cheese is." "Ask the lady if you can hold the cheese." "Ask the lady why the cheese is that color." "Ask the lady why her face is turning purple and she's starting to go into convulsions." Vocal Local: Jen Maiser http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/babeatlocal.html However, I absorbed the concept of the Eat Local Challenge before I did "locavore," which, in all honesty, I thought had something to do with the phases of the moon and the lycanthrope society. (It's possible I've watched one too many Frasiers.) Stuffed Mushroom Slappetizer http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/slappetizers.html Make your own holiday slappetizers and impress all your friends. Right after you slap each and every one of them. It will be legen-(wait for it)-dary. Bay Area Bites: Eating Family Style http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/babfamily.html Stories of serving Bing Crosby a ten-second-rule turkey and a book of deliciously fattening recipes. Let Them Eat Birthday Cake http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/cake.html Damn! I haven't had a birthday cake made for me since I was old enough to know that it's not exactly cool to stick your hands in it and pull out two fists of cake and frosting. (For the record, when I saw Jeanne's cake, I nearly reverted to my old ways.) Bay Area Bites: No Crab for Christmas http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/babnocrab.html On November 10, commercial crabbers from Bodega Bay to Half Moon Bay voted to postpone the opening of the crab season, set to open Thursday, November 15th. Stupid Humans: 58,000 Gallons of Fuel Oil http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/oilspill.html This morning -- because of some sort of communications malfunction between the container ship spokespeople and the U.S. Coast Guard -- the spill has been upped to a whopping 58,000 gallons. Cooking with Jacques: Bread in a Pot, Part I http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/breadinapot.html Yet, there I was at 4 AM following our third day of filming, reasoning how I could get bread to rise in order to save the show. (Did I mention that I didn't even have any yeast in the house?) I AM NOT A BAKER! Cooking with Jacques http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/jacques.html Jacques Pepin. Me. Kitchen. Cooking. Drool. Cafe Gratitude? Crappy Attitude! http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/gratitude.html However, after reading about Sam's friend, Enidd, I'd like to put in a large order for "I Am Disgusted" with a side of "I Am Eternally Never Going There Again." (UPDATE: Response from Cafe Gratitude) Must-See Technology http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/mustsee.html I showed the device it to my husband who said, "Don't you dare stick that in your computer! It's like sticking your tongue in a socket -- you don't know where it's been!" Squashing Hopes and Dreams http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/summersquash.html Tossed with fettuccine, the pasta sauce -- dotted with delicate green and yellow cubes of squash -- had a soft and fat sweetness, which, having been invited in by the summer squash, didn't need to be faked with sugar. Bravo Knifes Andrea Strong http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/strong.html However, then the realist in me took over: Top Chef knew exactly what they were doing. They were using "food blogger" as a dirty word. The bane of chefs everywhere. More to the point, Top Chef, in their reality show way, decided that for these two episodes Andrea Strong has been cast as The Villain. Farmer Keckler http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/farmday.html Living in a city apartment with no garden or even window boxes to speak of, the closest I get to growing things is when I forget about the sour cream in my fridge. Afraid to Go Into the Water http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/sharkweek.html Finally, the emergency squad screamed up and a park ranger met them saying, "We got a foot injury." Now, is that "foot injury" as in "I stepped wrong and my ankle collapsed" or as in "my foot got stuck in the jaws of a Great White and now it is injured"? High Pies and Misdemeanors http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/piewoes.html My pie is bleeding. People, it's stuff like this that makes me whine annoyingly, "Whyyyyyy can't I baaaaaaake?" And no one likes a whiner. On the other hand, my husband tried to reason, "It's just that your fruit is TOO good, and it's got all this great liquid." And compliment, "It's got its own coulis built right in!" And burp, "So, can I have another piece or are you too mad?" Dizzy Dame http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/vertigo2.html The good thing about that MRI appears to be, however, that it's not a brain tumor! WOOHOO! Celebration of non-tumorosity! I mean, I assume that's not the case since my ENT didn't call me within 24 hours of my MRI to be all George Brent to my Bette Davis about it. After that, the next step was the Balance and Mobility Clinic where, I had been reliably informed, I would vomit copiously. Whither Harry Potter, DAMMIT?! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/harrypotter.html I DIDN'T REQUEST A REDELIVERY! [foam, pant, twitch, scream] Pizzetta 211: Hard to Handle http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/pizzetta211.html Loving a pizza place even when you know you shouldn't. Shell Shocked: Jericho Lives! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/jerichonuts.html Acting on information we received from our CBS source, "Shallow Eustachian Tube," I was able to transcribe what went down in the heated meetings between the execs at CBS, and if you read between the lines, you can see just what dragged Jericho, Skeet, and the Awesome Hawkins back from the brink of television death. Think Pink!: Mount Tamalpais Vin Gris http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/thinkpink.html Even the color is fierce! None of this blush and bashful pink that's barely a whisper of color, this was wildhotcrazy lascivious pink. The pink of deep-bosomed sunsets, the pink of Barbie's dress from the 80s (you know the one I mean), the pink of Belle Watling's sheets, the discontinued pink of a Clinique lipstick I wore in high school. This Mount Tamalpais Vin Gris isn't "pink," it's "PINK!" Kitchen Love: It All Began With a God Named Thor http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/kitchenlove.html It's been going on about two weeks now, so I feel it's time to come clean and be up front with you all. I'm having an affair. With my kitchen. Peas and Long Life http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/peas.html A few seconds dip in rapidly boiling water and slightly longer in a shocking ice bath and my peas were ready. Firm and mouth-popping, the peas were as smooth as a freshly Botoxed baby's bottom with nary a wrinkle to be found. But what to do with them? The Grub Report Nominated for Best Food Blog http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/bloggerschoice.html I'm asking all of you who read The Grub Report, like The Grub Report, and even crave The Grub Report to get out and eat the vote! Or just vote, you really don't have to eat it. Because it might be gross. And also sounds sort of rude. Trader Joe's Guacamole Kit: The Anti-Food Porn http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/tjantifoodporn.html ...well, one of the avocados was doing things I've never seen an avocado do. Like grow mold. White, furry, slippery mold. Fat Tire: A Bodice Ripper (with Cheese) http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/fattirecheese.html I had this odd quirking in my mouth. My tongue felt dry and edgy and my throat was clicking in a greed for something cold, bright, topaz. Something fat. Something tire. Fish and Quips http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/fishandquips.html What could be more comforting than got fried eggs, bangers, bacon, fried bread (FRIED BREAD!), grilled tomatoes, and mushrooms? I'm pretty sure it's what they serve in Heaven, where cholesterol and heart disease are no longer a worry. Virginia is for Eaters http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/vafood.html As he tells it, your hands and fingers sustain tiny cuts from hungrily slaving over the sharp shells, and the sting you get from the spicy seasoning working its way into your tender skin is a sweet and necessary pain, as much a part of the blue crab experience as the crab itself. Two Hours. http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/vatech.html Why does this happen? How THE FUCK does this happen? College is supposed to be the best years of your lives. Not the deadliest. Not the last. I Was a Child Alcoholic (Hold the Alcohol) http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/childdeviant.html I seem to remember times when my older sister and I mixed water with drops of every possible food coloring in order to produce murky brown water that we passed off as "whisky" or "bourbon" and drank it out of shot glasses. It tasted sort of musty, because of all that food coloring, but that just made it all the more authentic. (In our minds.) Seduced By Cows? http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/cowart.html Note to the brand managers: I want my cows fat, well-fed, and in a pasture. Not wearing jeans and NOT trying to seduce me from a box of ice cream sandwiches. Vegetarian By Kitchen http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/kitchenvegetarian.html Because vegetables rarely set off the so-sensitive-it-should-be-writing-bad-poetry smoke alarm, they seem to be the thing to make and still enjoy in their heated state. This isn't fair. I love my meat, I need my meat, but my kitchen has gone PETA on me and decided I shall not have my meat. No Food, Just TV http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/television.html Look, Jericho is not smart, it's not challenging, and it doesn't make me think overly deep thoughts about life, death, and philosophy. It makes me giggle and it makes me cheer for surprisingly shallow reasons. It also doesn't feel like homework, which -- hold on to your toasters -- BSG has started to feel of late. I need these dumb, peaceful shows to quiet my mind. This Freelancing Life http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/freelancinglife2.html My life is not my own. As a freelancer every day, every hour, and nearly every thought is slotted to one of my clients. It's a hellacious fallacy that freelancing is all about choosing your own hours and owning your time. Drink Your Way to Smartness: CocktailSmarts http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/cocktailsmarts.html So, many cocktails and cocktail onions later, my project? She is done. Introducing the newest SmartsCo product, which just happens to be written by moi, I give you CocktailSmarts! Bo, Football, and Me http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/michigan.html Today is my birthday and today my beloved Michigan Wolverines are about to play the game of the year, possibly the game of the decade. Iron Chef: Battle Cranberry http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/ironchef.html Well, kids, Iron Chef America's Battle Cranberry went down in history last night with Team Rachael-Mario reducing Team Giada-Bobby to mere, uh, stains on the floor, knives, and cutting boards of Kitchen Stadium. Ooo, Ooo, 'Wichcraft Woman http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/wichcraft.html A Chow-instigated trip to the new San Francisco 'wichcraft in the shiny new Westfield Mall on Market yields delicious results. Trader Joe's Dinner: Butternut Squash http://www.grubreport.com/kissthecook/butternut.html However, as soon as autumn's chill fingers began slipping around the city's throat, and the leaves crisped on naked branches before falling scratchily to the cold cement, my cravings began anew. The Summer I Turned Sixteen (Again) http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/sixteenagain.html Except, back then it was a 1973 Mercury Comet, and I drove with the windows down because AC hadn't been a choice in the Vomit Comet for about ten years. Trader Joe's Dinner: Food Lazy http://www.grubreport.com/kissthecook/traderdinner.html I could stock my freezer with puff pastry, full-bodied stocks, pesto reserves, and decorative ice cubes. Well, actually, I probably couldn't because my freezer is SO FREAKING SMALL but, the point is, I know how to do all that stuff. I just...don't do it. The Great Pumpkin http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/pumpkinale.html It's the most wonderful time of the year. The nights become stretched, the days brief, the addicting smell of new pencils is in the air, and pumpkin ale is once again lining the stores with orange. It Was a Dark and Stormy Night http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/darkandstormy.html To whip up a brilliant Dark and Stormy, the ginger beer has to sting, burn, and fire up the back of your throat. You have to feel it in your nose and down your gullet. Update, Upchuck http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/update.html I swear the only thing keeping me sane is runs at Ocean Beach, Tim Gunn's podcast, and reruns of Reba. That's right, people, I said Reba! The stress has made me sink so, so low. Serving Seconds: Check Please! Bay Area http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/checkplease.html Up to now, I've only criticized television as the viewer, but now I get to see how it's all put together -- from makeup to pick-up. The control room -- where I spend most of my day -- is like fedging Mission Control at NASA! Buttons, buttons, so many buttons. Picnic Fare: Hard Boiled Eggs http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/picniceggs.html I'm here to tell you that hard boiled eggs are the ideal picnic item. The Posh Diet: Pineapple and Sushi http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/celebdish.html Posh's thighs, Jay-Z's champagne shun, and a new summer cocktail. Amazonian Food? http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/amazon.html Well, given how Amazon is about to take over the world with books, media, drugs, and Calphalon, I guess it was inevitable that they would add food to that list. Eye on the Pie: Pizzetta 211 http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/eyepie2.html Sort of looks like a crusted acid trip, doesn't it? This is probably the most lurid pizza I've ever eaten. (Coco)Nutcracker: Mitchell's Ice Cream http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/coconut.html Buko is so in bed with the coconut, it tastes like the heady smell of a well-oiled beach. Corn Fed http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/corn2.html I forgot how great steamed corn can be. The kernels retain that deliciously firm pop-snap that roasting and grilling tends to soften. Love Thy Customer http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/customerlove.html I went up to Big Cheese, who was already having a stressful day, and said, "So, I've got an idea for some power marketing. We send boxes of cheese to celebrities -- Lohan, Cruise, and whatnot -- to promote our image and raise our identity." Big Cheese looks at me, half-expectant, half-probably-figuring-out-how-to-let-my-horrific-idea-down-easy. I take a deep breath and say, "We'll call it 'Ouray for Hollywood.'" RIMSHOT! Big Cheese stares at me, then looks down, shaking her head and says, "Steph, that's why I love you." Local S%*!t Happens http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/localstuff.html Here's some news for a few of you out there: Cheetos aren't local. Land's End http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/landsend.html For a long time I ran without looking up. I was mesmerized by my own footfalls and how they struck the damp, packed sand, radiating a lighter, drier patch in every direction, and how the June-icy Pacific hits the sun-warmed beach, banding mist around my ankles. Eye on the Pie: Pizzeria Delfina http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/delfinapiz.html Now, it has been my experience that most clam pizzas get a damp shell waved over them and call it a day, but the cherrystone pieces on the Delfina Clam Pie were so large, I initially thought they were unlisted pieces of chunky sausage. While My YouTube Gently Weeps http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/youtube.html Prince is a god. What Cheesemongers Eat When They Think No One's Looking http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/feelingmn.html That's the big thing in Minnesota: hot dish upon hot dish is brought to new neighbors until their kitchen looks like Flanders Fields except, instead of poppies, it's rows and rows of blue Corningware flowers. Eating Local Babies http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/eatlocal2.html I see an "Oddly Enough" headline that says, "PM Eats Babies," and I'm all, "Well, at least he was eating local babies." How to Eat Like a Local http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/eatlocal.html There's also that newly opened jar of June Taylor Meyer Lemon Marmalade. I mean, does she use local sugar? Is there even such a thing as local sugar? And Izze, I can't give up Izze! Or tea! Conspicuous Consumption http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/conspcons.html Be they Donald Duck or Donald Trump, five thousand dollars is too damn much to pay for a burger. A BURGER PEOPLE! Cheese, Cheese Me http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/stpat.html With the nettles wrapped around a thick disk of firm, whole-milk cheese, the deep, woodsy taste of braised artichokes shines through the soft and full St. Pat paste. Lipsmacking Links http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/links.html Make your own wine, a hungry Brit on a bike, rent a goat and get some cheese, and eat fruit off the streets of L.A. The Kecklers Abroad: Part II http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/kecklersabroad2.html The words were the same words printed in the hymnal, but that's where the similarities between Croft's version of "Our God Our Help in Ages Past" and my father's ended. Blood Simple http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/blood.html Not necessarily a chips and dips kind of salsa, but the kind you use as the base for grilled meats and fish. The kind of salsa that chefs list on their menu to keep from saying "mess of vegetables and fruits." Small Bites http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/topchef.html Rachel Ray would talk, cook, and drink so fast, her attending celebrities wouldn't know how to help or where to stand. They'd be even more mystified as to what the hell "E-V-O-O" and "spoonulas" were. On the other hand, her team would always beat the clock due to Rachel carrying back-spraining armloads of ingredients from place to place. The Chef Is In: Choke On This http://www.grubreport.com/kissthecook/babyart.html "I blame my East Coast upbringing for my total lack of knowledge in the artichoke realm - but your idea makes them seem so much more accessible, I need to try." Seek Out the Trader Joe's http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/traders2.html In honor of the New York store opening, my Top 10 Trader Joe's Favorites. Celebrate the Moments of Your Life http://www.grubreport.com/kissthecook/celebrate.html "Hey, is it supposed to be this runny in the middle?" Stupid razzin'-frazzin' skewers coming out clean making me believe the thing was actually done because THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TAUGHT! Earl of Sandwich http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/sandwich.html I secretly want to be Dagwood Bumpstead. Seriously -- he sleeps on the couch, he's got those crazy-ass bangs that stand up seemingly without product or any other help, and he makes the most juicily extravagant sandwiches... Do the Doon http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/doon.html Aside from one or two "meh" reds and a Chenin Blanc that balked mightily when I made the mistake of serving it with Meyer lemon-simmered baby artichokes, I haven't met a Bonny Doon wine that I didn't want to immediately run out and buy a case of. Hello, Car. http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/hellocar.html If I told you that we kissed the hood of our new car in the privacy of our garage, would you judge me? Pssst! Wanna Buy Some Cheese? http://www.grubreport.com/soupdujour/illegalcheese.html Sure, there are stacks of firm and oozy cheeses we can't get our sweaty little hands on for various and ridiculous FDA regs that have very little to do with safe-guarding public health and more to do with buckshot happy politics, and yes, a lot of them are delicious and different and worth it. However, it is patently ridiculous to elevate all those cheeses to such god-like heights just because they are illegal. New Pod-tatoes http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/eatfeed.html "Ikea: just some oak and some pine and a handful of Norsemen/Ikea: selling furniture for college kids and divorced men/Everyone has a home/But if you don't have a home you can buy one there!"...They got even more nervous when I started in with some weird out-of-breath and slightly asthmatic giggling as I got to the line about Allen wrenches. Fancy Food Fatigue http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/ffshow.html Microwaveable donuts, all-weather chocolate, vanilla salt, tea powder, the smallest gin and tonic in the world, and aromatherapied kabobs...it's basically Foodie Disneyland without the scary costumes. Wait, is that a giant Mr. Peanut? No pregnant woman could go to this thing, and I don't just mean because she'd have delivered her baby before she could take a pee. Friends, I need Alka Seltzer because I can't believe I ate and drank the whoooole thing! Google: The Pepsi Freshmaker! http://www.grubreport.com/alacarte/mentospepsi.html Blogging a boring commute and too many people making an explosive cocktail of warm Diet Pepsi and Mentos. Kids do the darndest things! Qi and Sympathy http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/qi.html ...but where whisky can sometimes give off that unmistakable Band-Aid aroma, under all that intriguing smoke and clubby leather, Qi was touched only by vanilla and exotic fruits. I liked it a lot, and I'm really surprised by that. I went over there thinking, "Well, I like tea. And I do like alcohol, but putting the two together sounds too much what little old ladies do with their sherry and tea in England." Smokey, Perfect, or Dirty: The Martini http://www.grubreport.com/blueplatespecial/1stmartini.html "...So, I ordered my martini "very dry" at The Hill. I took a sip. I couldn't bring myself to swallow. I gasped for air. Mathra got me a glass of ice water. I dumped my martini in the glass of ice water. Mathra finished the excessively diluted martini. I ordered a beer." Plus: Pefection Peashoots, Melanie Griffith beans, and Cooking Without a Replicator.